Wet Socks

So this is the last of the pre-procedure testing. It is amazing that, in the pre-tests alone, Peng has seen my uterus, ovaries, eggs, and VJ (a good, innocuous abbreviation for vagina) 3 times! This has got to be some kind of VJ record – 3 viewings in 7 days! Melissa has already pointed out to me that, among the vast other unfortunate reasons for me having to go through all this, is the fact that I’m the girl that is most fearful of going to the GYN of all my friends. The nakedness and leg spreading while worrying what type of grooming and socks vs. no socks are some of my greatest fears. If this is God’s helping point to get me over these inane worries, I will continue to be pissed at the world.

But I digress. So this was the day for the fluid ultrasound AND uterine mapping. This sounds like two complicated separate procedures but let me assure you that they tried their hardest to explain the huge differences to justify the two huge charges (STILL not covered in the package price yet. Fortunately the $1400 test (the fluid ultrasound) is covered by insurance given my (made up) diagnosis: “Threatened Abortion.” This means that I have a high risk of losing a baby if I got preggers. Do they know this? No way. But I am all about making up a diagnosis if it means me only paying 20%. The 2 tests make sure that my follicles (eggs) are still lookin’ pretty and that my uterus is a nice cozy home for some soon-to-be embryos (if all goes well).

So I hop up on the table and cover up with my oversized paper towel. I have to say that, by this time, I have just about mastered the “blanket butt tuck” - a move I should patent which involves barely covering my left thigh (since it is against the wall) and wrapping the leftovers on the right around the back of me in order to cover roughly 75% of the ass. Not perfect, I know, but hey, that’s 75% more of my ass that is not greeting all of my entering guests.

Cue awkward handshake. Then Peng tells me to lie down. I try to have my butt close to the end of the table in order to avoid him telling me to scoot down whereby I must raise my rear to the ceiling by pushing into the stirrups and flopping further down south. So, third times a charm, right? Wrong. Still feeling as if my butt is hanging off the edge of the exam table, I lie down. Still, I get the, “Can you scoot down some more?” I say yes though am afraid that my nether regions will smack him in the face if I go further down, but he knows best - he’s a doctor.

The rest is fairly simple – my 2-in-1 test is normal. They have to slide a catheter into the vagina, past the cervix (where you feel as if you are having the worst period cramping ever) and fill you up with saline. This does not hurt though the rest of the saline flows out and down your butt crack and onto the step below (see! I knew my butt was in mid-air!) The nurse told me to watch my step-my socks may get wet. Thanks for the embarrassing warning.